


Why Author Drinks

by Deannie



Category: Captain America (Movies), Farscape, Stargate SG-1, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Losers - All Media Types, The Magnificent Seven (TV)
Genre: 300th post baby, F/F, M/M, Metafiction, conversations with fictional people
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-25
Updated: 2014-08-25
Packaged: 2018-02-14 08:42:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,841
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2185218
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Deannie/pseuds/Deannie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>For my 300th posting at AO3, I thought I'd show people what goes on in my head. You've been warned.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Why Author Drinks

INT: NIGHT. AUTHOR SITS AT HER DINING ROOM TABLE, PREPARING TO CONTINUE WORK ON HER 300TH FIC. . .

The room is littered with children’s toys and looks as if it hasn’t been cleaned properly in some time. On the paper-strewn dining room table sits a small laptop. AUTHOR sits before it, a bottle of Coke at her side. She leans forward and begins to type. . .

CLOSE-UP ON AUTHOR’S COMPUTER.

 

COMPUTER TEXT

> The shot was a surprise. To all of them -- perhaps most of all, to Ezra Standish, who crumbled to the ground

 

CUT TO: Shot of a man in a fine wool hunter green jacket and well-tailored black pinstripe pants, the whole ensemble reminiscent of the late 1800s, sauntering into frame behind AUTHOR. It is EZRA STANDISH, gambler. He leans in, reading over AUTHOR's shoulder.

 

EZRA STANDISH  
The word is "crumpled."

AUTHOR  
Of course it is. Why would I...? Oh.  
(looks at screen, frowns, hits the delete key a number of times.)  
Sorry.

EZRA  
Lord, if I had a penny for every time I crumbled to the ground.  
Do you all think I’m a pillar of salt or something?

 

SHOT WIDENS: to include the other end of the dining room table, where sits a tall, handsome black man in simple homespun clothes, topped by a truly horrible checked jacket. This is NATHAN JACKSON, former slave and current healer for the town of Four Corners.

 

NATHAN JACKSON  
You’d’ve fit in just fine in Sodom and Gomorrah, I’m thinking.

EZRA  
That, my friend, is slander.  
(he smiles, unrepentent)  
And not entirely untrue.  
(looks at AUTHOR)  
I do, however, have to wonder why it is that *I* am forever being shot or knifed --

 

CLOSE-UP BOUNCES FROM MAN TO MAN AS THE DIALOG FOLLOWS: CHRIS LARABEE relaxed and alert, dressed in tight black pants and a handsome gray shirt, is seated on the couch, which shows obvious signs of both toddler and cat damage. VIN TANNER sits beside him in a clean pair of worn brown pants, muted checked shirt, and red bandana. His shoulder length brown hair is clean, curly, and wonderful. JOSIAH SANCHEZ has moved in to sit next to NATHAN at the table. He looks larger than he is and is still virile and handsome as he reaches middle age. BUCK WILMINGTON lounges like a cat in the doorway of the kitchen, JD DUNNE kicks back in one of the kitchen chairs behind him.

 

NATHAN  
Or buried.

CHRIS LARABEE  
Or kidnapped.

JOSIAH SANCHEZ  
Caught in flaming buildings.

JD DUNNE  
Hey now -- she ain't wrote that one yet!

 

CUT TO: EZRA, who looks irked at the interruptions.

 

EZRA  
Be that as it may. Why is it I’m always the one to whom these things happen?

VIN TANNER  
Reckon she might just be sweet on ya, Ez.

EZRA  
(incensed)  
EZRA! My name is Ezra!

AUTHOR  
Hey! I never let the guys call you Ez!

EZRA  
No, you don’t. You simply have me shot. Or stabbed. Or something equally odious.

 

CUT TO: The far side of the living room, where in walk a group of five men. The first is FRANKLIN CLAY in an expensive tailored suit with no tie, open slightly at the neck -- looking fabulous. The second is CARLOS "COUGAR" ALVAREZ, Mexican hottie, looking even more like a cat than BUCK. Beside him walks a trim, solid black man, LINWOOD "POOCH" PORTEOUS, who grins at AUTHOR, who blushes slightly. JAKE JENSEN, punk-haired geek in glasses, hotter than hot, walks behind COUGAR, flanked by the ever-disgruntled but still dangerously handsome WILLIAM ROQUE. These are clearly the movieverse Losers, save ROQUE, who is a bizarre amalgam of a thin-faced evil mercenary and the always sexy Idris Elba. Apparently AUTHOR can't make up her mind which one she likes best. VIN stiffens upon seeing ROQUE, as if scenting a baddie in the room. From here on, VIN should rarely let ROQUE out of his sight.

 

JAKE JENSEN  
I think the trick is to make her not like you -- which I haven’t actually figured out how to do yet. You know what they say? "You only hurt the ones you love."

EZRA  
And exactly who are "they"?

CARLOS "COUGAR" ALVAREZ  
Dios mío.

JAKE  
(glaring at COUGAR)  
I haven’t quite figured that out yet.

LINWOOD "POOCH" PORTEOUS  
(reading over AUTHOR’s shoulder)  
So, why’re you writing this? Thought you were reworking the next part of the Tour Book?

AUTHOR  
I’m working on it, Pooch, don’t worry. I’ve got it all figured out.

POOCH  
Yeah, I read the first draft. You ain’t figured nothing out, honey.

AUTHOR  
(indignant)  
I’m getting there! I just... I’m having a hard time coming up with why you’re there in the first place.

POOCH  
Seriously? We’re black ops. Make something up.

WILLIAM ROQUE  
(watching VIN as VIN watches him, but addressing POOCH)  
Least she gave you a first draft. I don’t think she even wants to WRITE mine.

AUTHOR  
That’s not true, Roque --

FRANKLIN CLAY  
She just doesn’t want to LOOK at you.

ROQUE  
Yeah, bite me, Clay.

CLAY  
I think you’re thinking of Jensen and Cougar.

AUTHOR  
(sounding like she’s talking to her children)  
Boys, stop it.  
Look, I’ll get there. I promise. I just -- I need to get this story finished.

EZRA  
THIS story? But what about Red Cliff?

CHRIS  
Screw Red Cliff. What about Writ in Rembrance?

 

CUT TO: The kitchen, where the stylish and cutting MAUDE STANDISH has come in behind JD and is looking through to the living room and AUTHOR's computer, a disapproving glare on her face.

 

MAUDE STANDISH  
You should feel honored she’s writing you at all. My last fic is still languishing somewhere, half-posted, with a nasty red check next to it. "Unfinished"... Such an ugly state.

AUTHOR  
I’m sorry, Maude. I actually really like that fic. I’m getting back to it. I promise.

BUCK WILMINGTON  
Like you promised me I’d get my own fic after hers? A long one.

AUTHOR  
No. No, you will. I promise. It’s just.  
(sighs)  
I’ve been working a lot and my oldest son is headed off to school next month and... I have a lot on my plate, okay?

 

V.O. FROM COMPUTER:

 

BLAIR SANDBURG  
(sensitively)  
Sounds to me like maybe you just over-extended yourself a little bit.  
But I understand. I know you promised to write some stories for me and Jim  
for the hc-bingo thing, but it’s okay. We’ll wait.

AUTHOR  
(tired and worn out, but feeling compassion for her languishing characters)  
I appreciate that, Blair, I really do. I know I over-promised. I just... I didn’t mean to, really. Look. I’ll make it up to all of you.  
(looks at the Losers)  
I’ll finish Murmansk this weekend.  
(looks at the Magnificent Seven)  
Josiah, I’ll have the rough draft of your Red Cliff story to beta by next Wednesday. And Ezra, you can have your Writ in Remembrance by the Monday after.

OFF-SCREEN VOICE  
(sounding remarkably like JENSEN, but deeper and more serious)  
What about me?

AUTHOR  
(slightly peeved)  
Jensen, you’re not even --  
(turns her head to look toward the off screen voice and drops her chin to her chest)  
Oh God. I’m in Hell. This is Hell.

 

CUT TO: STEVE ROGERS, wearing a tight white t-shirt and well-fitting khakis (pre-Winter Soldier, when he was still getting a feel of the 21st century), walks in, TONY STARK, hot and arrogant in a black on black suit, walks in after him. TONY notices and clearly approves of CLAY's taste in clothing and the two share a nod. He looks at NATHAN's coat and raises his eyebrows. Meanwhile, EZRA, JD, and BUCK look from STEVE to JAKE and back again in confusion.

 

STEVE ROGERS  
You said you liked me.

AUTHOR  
I did. I do. Steve, I just...

STEVE  
I’m sorry, ma’am, but I don’t think I understand. You --  
(looks to TONY)  
What’s the word, Mr. Stark?

TONY STARK  
Mainlined.

STEVE  
Mainlined?

TONY  
(nodding encouragingly)  
Mainlined. She -- she mainlined. It’s... Trust me. And call me Tony.

STEVE  
(ignoring TONY)  
You mainlined both of my movies in one day and then just... went back to your other characters.

TONY  
Technically, they’re not hers. They belong to the companies and writers that originally created them.

EZRA  
Really? Does she have to pay them some sort of... royalty, perhaps?  
Shouldn't we, as the characters who so inspire her, be getting our fare share?

 

AUTHOR snorts at that. As if she's getting paid jack for this. She gets up and walks past BUCK, JD, and MAUDE into the kitchen to the liquor cabinet as the boys continue talking.

 

TONY  
No. It’s a derivative work -- a sort of gray area in the law.  
Technically it’s copyright infringement, but it’s overlooked  
because it generates buzz for the original creation.

BUCK  
(whispering to JD)  
I didn’t understand a word he said.

JAKE  
(translating)  
There’s no way to make money on it.

EZRA  
Pity.

TONY  
No, it’s actually kind of flattering, sometimes. I get a lot of it myself.

 

AUTHOR pours a liberal amount of whiskey into her soda.

 

EZRA  
If you’re passing out liquor...

AUTHOR  
(raising a finger at him)  
Oh no. No way. _You_ stay sober.

STEVE  
(slightly sad)  
Wish I could get drunk.

VIN  
Don’t think nobody’s stopping you.

TONY  
(taking the whiskey from AUTHOR with a smile)  
He can’t get drunk.  
(waving one hand carelessly while drinking from the glass he holds in the other)  
Cell regeneration, protective coatings...

POOCH  
Damn, really? Now that’s just sad.

BUCK  
(whispering to JD)  
I still didn’t understand a word he said.

JAKE  
(who has hacked into AUTHOR's computer and is reading her unfinished fics on his smartphone)  
You know, technically, this isn't your 300th fic on AO3, you know that, right?  
That list of your Magnificent Seven fics doesn't really count.  
(looks up at AUTHOR incredulously)  
You wrote New Adventures of Jonny Quest fic? Really?

AUTHOR  
Shut up, Jensen.

EZRA  
She tells you to shut up, too, I see?

JAKE  
Like I said, "You only hurt the ones you love."

EZRA  
I thought "they" said that.

 

AUTHOR has returned to her computer, spiked soda in hand. She looks at the boys in some disgust and irritation, opens up another window, and begins writing...

 

COMPUTER TEXT

> "Vala!" Sam Carter raised her P90, taking another shot at the band of men heading their way. "Vala, where the hell are you?"
> 
> "Right here, of course, Colonel," Vala replied sarcastically. "Forever at your beck and call."

 

JAKE  
(muttering to COUGAR)  
Does that Steve guy look familiar to you?

COUGAR  
(looks from JAKE to STEVE and back again and wisely shakes his head --  
but gives STEVE a long hard look anyway)

JAKE  
(slapping COUGAR in the arm)  
Man, I’m right here!

BUCK  
(sauntering up and stealthily handing JAKE a bottle of tequila he's kyped from the liquor cabinet)  
What's with that Stark guy and your boss, Clay? They brothers or something?

 

JAKE and COUGAR look at the two men, who are currently discussing six-figure suits. They shrug at each other, admitting to the similarities but not commenting on it.

 

COMPUTER TEXT

> "Look, all we have to do is keep them occupied for a while. Five minutes, tops."
> 
> "And then?" Vala led, her tone clearly dubious.
> 
> Sam smiled slyly. "And then there’s going to be a very big boom."

 

EZRA  
(nudging TONY, who he’s palled up to -- mostly to get some of the whiskey)  
What’s she doing?

 

AISHA AL-FADIL appears behind them -- it's completely unclear as to how she got in.

 

AISHA  
(with a wolf's smile)  
Looks like she’s typing.

 

COMPUTER TEXT

 Sam continued shooting, taking down another five men before she ducked hard behind the wall and called to Vala.

"GET DOWN!"

The explosion rocked the compound as

 

POOCH  
(reading over AUTHOR's shoulder)  
Yeah, but she ain’t writing about us.

EZRA  
What? Let me see that!

 

EZRA slides in beside POOCH and reads the scene being written.

 

COMPUTER TEXT

> Sam and Vala sheltered from the falling debris. For such a strong explosion, it took mere moments.

 

AUTHOR sits back, rereads her work, and adds more whiskey to her soda bottle. It is almost entirely alcohol now.

 

TONY  
(laughing and sipping whiskey himself, completely unconcerned)  
It’s unbelievable. She’s writing MORE characters.

AUTHOR  
(in her cups now and very self-satisfied)  
Yup. FEMALE characters.

BUCK  
Not that I got anything against female characters, of course, but you were going on along with us so well. Why you gotta change it now?

 

SAM CARTER and VALA MAL DORAN also appear out of nowhere, nodding to AISHA and taking seats at the dining room table -- JOSIAH and NATHAN graciously give theirs up.

 

VALA MAL DORAN  
Maybe because you all argue and whine like a bunch of mewling children.

SAM CARTER  
Or maybe she's just tired of so much testosterone in the air.  
(she smiles as AISHA hands her a beer from the fridge)  
Author likes strong women characters.

STEVE  
Peggy’s a strong woman character.

AUTHOR  
(pointing at him blearily)  
Yes. Yes, she is. Strong. And she had a gun. Which I always like. And she’s hot. Very hot.

 

A woman walks into the kitchen from nowhere (women seem to do that a lot in AUTHOR's house) and walks past the assembled to stand before author. It is AERYN SUN, tight tank top, leather pants, big guns, and all. Her entrance stops all discussion in the room and all men, AUTHOR, and SAM watch her with open admiration. VALA looks annoyed and MAUDE looks vaguely scandalized. AISHA fingers the knife at her belt.

 

AERYN SUN  
I have a gun.

VALA  
(huffing loudly)  
I’m hotter.

JAKE  
(to COUGAR)  
Wait, don’t Vala and Aeryn look --

COUGAR  
(shakes his head sharply, recognizing a killer in AERYN and not wanting to piss her off)

AERYN  
I have a gun. I’m "hot". And yet I’ve had an unfinished story sitting on your hard drive for years, Author.

EDGAR BENEDICK (Shadow Chasers)  
(flanked by characters from SPOOKS, PROFESSIONALS, SMALLVILLE, and others)  
Haven't we all?

AERYN  
(ignoring the interruption and staring at AUTHOR)  
Why?

AUTHOR  
(dropping her head into her hands before her computer)  
I’ve tried writing you, Aeryn. I have. You’re just...

CLAY  
(way too interested)  
Volatile?

AERYN  
(grinning at him)  
I’ll take that as a compliment.

 

AISHA none-too subtly shifts position to silently claim CLAY. AERYN backs off with an easy smirk.

 

AUTHOR  
I was going to say complicated.

AISHA  
(still warning AERYN off with her "oh no, bitch" glare)  
Complicated like me? Is that why I'm always conveniently elsewhere in your Loser fics?

AUTHOR  
Yes. Exactly. I try to write you both, but it never seems to work out right. I just... You’re complicated. I haven’t figured you out yet.  
No hard feelings, Aisha. Aeryn. I really love you both and you’re seriously kick ass.

AISHA  
(eyeing BUCK as he approaches to hit on her)  
Trust me when I say she meant ’kick ass’ very, very literally.

CLAY  
(watching with a smirk as BUCK backs off)  
See. Volatile.

STEVE  
Wait. So, WE’RE not complicated?

TONY  
On a scale of one to ten, I think you’re like a... five?

STEVE  
Five?

TONY  
Four. Maybe.

STEVE  
Four!?

 

AUTHOR continues to drink as all the women help themselves to the contents of her liquor cabinet. EZRA tries to horn in on the action and is speared by AERYN’s glare, which proves even more potent than CHRIS’s. He backs off, to the guffaws of his comrades and the mocking laughter of his mother, who has joined the other women. After all, she's equally dangerous in her own way.

 

TONY  
You’re just... The Hero. You know? It’s a stereotype for a reason. Big. Brawny. Self-sacrificing. Not all that complicated, really.

STEVE  
(offended)  
And you ARE complicated? All you are is a man with a sliver of metal in your chest --

TONY  
And a COMPLICATED self-sustaining electromagnet --

JD  
(whispering to BUCK)  
What the hell’s an electromagnet?

 

SAM leans forward to explain, but AUTHOR shakes her head and offers SAM more whiskey.

 

AERYN  
Are they always like this?

AUTHOR  
(considering)  
Sort of. Yeah.

VALA  
Have you ever considered NOT writing them?

 

AUTHOR looks around the room. JAKE has clearly drunk most of the tequila that's missing from the half-empty bottle on the coffee table and is quietly smiling and leaning against COUGAR, who is sitting on the couch with ROQUE, who is helping EZRA take bets on who will win the fist fight that seems set to ensue between TONY and STEVE.

 

AUTHOR  
Put me down for 20, Ezra.  
But ONLY if they fight bare-handed, okay?

TONY and STEVE  
(breaking off the argument to glare at her)  
Cheat.

 

Meanwhile VIN and CHRIS are sitting watching the action (VIN still keeping an eye on ROQUE) as BUCK and JD make their own sidebet and JOSIAH and NATHAN just grin at each other and continue perusing the wall to wall bookshelves. POOCH has commandeered the phone and is talking to JOLENE.

 

AUTHOR  
Stop writing them? Nah. They’re...

AERYN  
Infantile?

AISHA  
Pathetic?

SAM  
Childish?

VALA  
Boys?

AUTHOR  
(laughs)  
Yeah. They’re all that. But they’re mine.

EZRA  
Technically, we’re not --

ALL  
Shut up, Ezra!

 

FADE OUT

 

**Author's Note:**

> In the interest of full disclosure, I almost never drink and have only ever been drunk once. But my house is a complete pit and my mind is this screwed up with millions of plots, so... Some truth among the lies. :)
> 
> Also, amusingly enough, as soon as this went into beta, I wrote my first Steve Rogers fic. Go figure.


End file.
